When Kit Carson wasn’t out exploring, he lived on a small farm. One day, the famous frontiersman decided to surprise his wife with eggs and fish for breakfast.

Arising early, he went down to the henhouse and collected some fresh eggs. There were only six.

On the way back, he stopped at the pond and landed a magnificient large-mouth bass. He wasn’t sure how to carry everything—then he had an idea. He carefully dropped the eggs inside the fish and started for home. Suddenly, the Western hero found himself confronted by a mean, hungry looking wolf. Fearing that he might become a meal for the canine, he threw the bass aside and hurried up a nearby tree. From there, he watched as the wolf grabbed his fish, eggs and all, and ran off.

When Carson got back home empty handed, he related the adventure to Mrs. Carson, who responded, saying, “You shouldn’t have put all your eggs in one bass, Kit.”

http://www.punoftheday.com/

Dodge City was a pretty rough town, nevertheless, they had an excellent little theatre group. One time they planned to perform the Swan Lake Ballet.

On the day of dress rehearsal, it was discovered that moths had gotten into the tutus. Everything was ruined. The producer placed a call down to the Acme Costume Company in Wichita and learned they had plenty of tutus. The proprietor promised to ship the much needed garments over on a special train. They should arrive in plenty of time for the opening.

Back at Dodge, everyone was in a big hurry and someone needed to go down to the depot and fetch the tutus. Butch, the biggest, toughest guy in town offered to see to it, so he went to the station and sat down. When the station master saw Butch, he went over and asked if he might be of help. Butch replied, “Thanks, I’m just waiting for the tutu train.”

http://www.punoftheday.com/

Sir Wilber was one of the lesser known knights of the round table, but he was an accomplished furniture maker. His latest creation was a magnificent armoir which he had covered with pure silver plate. When the piece was all polished up, it shined like nothing anyone had ever seen.

The medieval hero was not ready to settle down yet, but Gracie, his girl, wanted to get married right away. She had become tired of waiting and decided to go to Wilber and pop the question herself. When Wilber saw the woman coming, he jumped into the armoir to hide.

Gracie entered Wilber’s quarters and looked around. She didn’t see anybody and turned to leave. Suddenly Wilber sneezed. Gracie ran to the armoir and flung the door open. there stood Wilber: he was trapped!

The next day, the castle newsletter’s headline proclaimed: “Lady Gracie Finds Her Knight In Shining Armoir!”

The Acme Hardware Company’s truck flipped over and spilled a big load of tacks onto the highway. By the time the police arrived, there were cars with flat tires everywhere—it was an awful mess!

The cops got on their cell phones and tried to find someone to come and clean up the place, but couldn’t get anyone who would accept responsibility.

Then a BMW convertible screeched to a stop and the driver, a georgous blond, jumped out and wanted to know when she could proceed. One of the officers said, “Lady, if you know of anybody who can pick up all these tacks, we’d like to hear about it!”

The blond replied, “Well, why don’t you call the tacks collector?”

Bonus Pun: 

Velcro – what a rip off!

A man walks into a doctor’s office and asks the doctor to inspect his leg. The man says, “Here, put your ear to my knee.”

The doctor puts his ear to the man’s knee and hears very faintly, “Come on, can I have five bucks, just five bucks?”

The doctor steps back in horror, and the man says, “I know, but it gets worse. Put your ear to my shin.” The doctor puts his ear to the man’s shin and hears very faintly, “Come on, can I have ten bucks, just ten bucks?”

Once again, the doctor stands up, very perplexed. The man then says, “If that surprises you, put your ear to my ankle.” The doctor puts his ear to the man’s ankle and hears oh so faintly, “Come on, can I have twenty bucks, just twenty bucks?”

The doctor then stands up and says, “Well, I can I make just one conclusion.

Your leg is broke in three places.”

Bonus Pun:

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

The Revolutionary War was over and General Washington called the troops together to address them saying: “Men, the country must be kept safe. Accordingly, I am ordering that the active duty regulars are to stand duty from Monday through Friday. On Saturday and Sunday the National Guard and Reserves will worry about our new nations security.”

And so it was, and from that day to this, the National Guard and Reserves have been known as Weekend Worriers.

Bonus Pun:  

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

An abbey was in financial difficulties, and to increase its income the brothers decide to open a fish and chips business.

One day the abbey door bell rang and one of the brothers went to welcome a customer.

When he opened the door the customer said, “Are you the fish fryer?”

The brother said, “No, I’m the chip monk.”

Bonus Pun:

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

It turns out that the “Old King Cole” of nursery rhyme fame is loosely based on a 14th century ruler.

The slightly mad monarch is best known for his decree that the entire fiefdom’s crop of cabbage be diced and drenched in mayonnaise.

He called it, of course, Cole’s Law.

Bonus Pun:

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Frog at the Bank

A frog is outgrowing his lily pad and decides to make some home improvements. He doesn’t have the money, so he hops to the bank to borrow some.

At the bank, he takes a seat at loan officer Patricia Black’s desk and explains his dilemma.

“I want to upgrade my lily pad, maybe add another window, but I don’t have the cash. Can you lend me the money?”

“Maybe. What can you offer as collateral?”

“Well,” says the frog. “All I have is this paperweight. You shake it up, and it snows on the little village. Cute, huh?”

“Hmm . . . I’ll have to speak to my manager.” She enters her manager’s office.

“Mr. Bitterby, I’ve got a frog at my desk who wants to borrow money for lily pad improvements. But all he can offer for collateral is this glass paperweight.”

Mr. Bitterby takes the paperweight, hefts it in his hand, looks at her and says, “It’s a knick-knack, Patty Black, give the frog a loan.”

Bonus Pun:

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?

A thesaurus.

Dough Boy Dies

*see below

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who “never knew he was kneaded”.

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven.

The funeral was at 3:50 for 20 minutes.

Bonus Pun:

Broken pencils are pointless.

*  Though this image is subject to copyright, its use is covered by the U.S. fair use laws because:

      The image is used as the primary means of visual identification of the article topic.

       It is a low resolution image, and thus not suitable for production of counterfeit goods.

       The logo is not used in such a way that the reader would be confused into believing that the article is written or authorized by the owner of the logo.

       It is used in a satirical pun. (humor)