{"id":840,"date":"2008-09-29T07:19:20","date_gmt":"2008-09-29T15:19:20","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/simonburrow.com\/\/?p=840"},"modified":"2008-09-29T07:21:41","modified_gmt":"2008-09-29T15:21:41","slug":"the-purina-diet","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/simonburrow.com\/?p=840","title":{"rendered":"The Purina Diet"},"content":{"rendered":"

Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Missy the Brave and was in the checkout line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.<\/p>\n

\"Missy<\/a><\/p>\n

What did she think I had, an elephant?\u00a0 So since I’m retired and have little
\nto do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the
\nPurina Diet again.\u00a0 I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in
\nthe hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
\nintensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in
\nboth arms.<\/p>\n

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
\nworks is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or
\ntwo every time you feel hungry.\u00a0 The food is nutritionally complete so it
\nworks well and I was going to try it again.\u00a0 (I have to mention here that
\npractically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)<\/p>\n

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
\npoisoned me.\u00a0 I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s ass
\nand a car hit us both.<\/p>\n

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing
\nso hard.\u00a0 Wal-Mart won’t let me shop there anymore.<\/p>\n

Better watch what you ask retired people.\u00a0 They have all the time in the world
\nto think of crazy things to say.<\/p>\n

Thanks to Gene B for forwarding this lovely story which I only modified slightly.\u00a0 I don’t often post email jokes but this one was to funny not to share.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Missy the Brave and was in the checkout line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant?\u00a0 So since I’m retired and have little to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-840","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-simon-says"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p99jGb-dy","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/simonburrow.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/840","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/simonburrow.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/simonburrow.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/simonburrow.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/simonburrow.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=840"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/simonburrow.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/840\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":842,"href":"https:\/\/simonburrow.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/840\/revisions\/842"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/simonburrow.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=840"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/simonburrow.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=840"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/simonburrow.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=840"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}